How to stop being too nice at work

As human beings it is natural for us to need approval, to be seen as a nice, likeable person among a large percentage of people, both in our personal and our professional life. 

We might not even care about such and such person, but their opinion is somehow important for us. Some people go to great lengths to maintain this facade. Are you one of these people? Are you a pushover? Are you a people-pleaser?

This friend of mine is the most hardworking, sincere person I know. But his colleagues, especially his boss used to walk all over him. He’d tell me how angry he was and would often talk of quitting work. His boss would make him work late, ask him to work even on weekends and public holidays. He would have him run errands for him: get him cigarettes, glass of water, take messages for him on the phone, and when it was his turn for an appraisal, he’d say, “I can’t give you a raise because you’re not working hard enough. Maybe next year.”

He was hurt and almost broke down one day. Others, who were hardly competent, were being promoted and sent to onsite projects in the US and UK. “What am I doing wrong?” he asked. “I’m the one first one in the office and the last to leave. Sometimes I even sleep at work.” I decided enough was enough and told him he was being too nice at work and that he needed to find the nerve to tell his boss, “I need a proper appraisal, and have your office boy get you your cigarettes. It’s not my job.”

Stop Being Too Polite

Do you feel most of the work comes your way because your colleagues are not completing the tasks assigned to them? Every time there’s an anomaly, fingers are pointed at you? That your colleagues get away with things because they know you won’t say squat? It’s time you stopped being too polite, stopped being a brown-noser. You can still have basic manners and etiquettes, but draw a line. If someone is being rude, just take them aside and tell them, “You cannot talk to me like that. This is unacceptable behaviour.” They will not repeat it. Try it, it’s liberating.

Stop being a People-Pleaser

Are you always trying to please those around you? Do you always end up saying Yes, even when you don’t want to? Are you afraid you will hurt their feelings if you say No? It’s a pattern. It gets set in the family, then translates into your friendships and then eventually is established at your work place. You need to learn to set boundaries. If you can’t do something, say so, or else, people can be selfish enough to use you. It’s very logical really. If you put too many things in your mouth, you will not be able to chew any of it properly. So it’s only fair you take less on your plate and do justice to each item.

Learn to be Assertive

You don’t want to be too nice and lose out on opportunities. If you’re in a managerial position, you don’t want your niceness to make your company make any less money. You don’t need to become nasty overnight, but you need to find a midway. You don’t want to be Jack from Titanic. If there’s a way to save yourself, too, why not? If at an appraisal you need to tell someone they are under performing, you might as well say it, or else they would never know and continue to be a deadweight on your team. For the fear of displeasing that one person, would you rather bring the entire team down?

Don’t Always Avoid Confrontation

Yes, confrontation is uncomfortable, but it has to be done sometimes. If at a team meeting, someone comes up with a terrible marketing strategy, you’d do better to challenge the proposition right away, rather than agreeing to follow it and regretting it later. A leaking tap should be tackled immediately, rather than waiting for it to flood the entire house. Man up, and if it means having to confront a difficult employee, so be it.

 Be nice and kind by all means. Say, Thank you, where required. Say, Sorry, where needed. But don’t be a doormat. Stop trying to appease everyone, because you will be not only be hurting yourself in the process, but also your business. It will also prevent you from achieving your true potential. No need to be mean and selfish either. Continue helping others, but out of your own volition, not because you feel cornered. Learn to stand up for yourself because your needs or goals are just as important as anyone else’s. There is no need for a guilt trip here.